The Diarie of Lego
by Deastanya Goldenwood
Summary: Chapter 6 up! So sorry for the long wait... it's not as good as the other ones I dont think, cuz I was rushing so you people don't get too impation...
1. A Pretty Prince

Disclaimer: I don't own Legolas, although I wish I did, or any other character or part of the Lord of The Rings. Don't sue me please, I'm too young to go bankrupt.  
  
A long time ago, in a land far far away, there lived a very hot Elf. As everyone knows, or should know if they have any Elvish knowledge in their mortal little brains, his name was Legolas Greenleaf, for that is the only name a hot Elf may obtain. Not only was Legolas extremely hot, but he also had the intelligence of a very smart, intelligent, immortal, thing. This is his story, told through his own words, translated into English.  
  
The Diarie of Lego  
  
a story about an Elf who possessed unspeakable hotness  
  
26, December, some year  
  
Mother and Father…whoops, Mother died a while ago so I guess just Father… gave me a diary for Christmas. Cheap bastard. You'd think being the son of the king of Greenwood would make Christmas a time to receive tons of nice Elvish gifts, but what do I get? A bunch of paper fastened together and called a "diary". Who the hell invented this stupid "diary" anyway? What's the point of writing down thoughts and feelings on paper? I'm an Elf goddamnit, I don't need to write down my thoughts and feelings. I remember the exact "thoughts and feelings" I was thinking and feeling the day my pretty self was born. Screw the damn diary. I'm gonna go stare at my pretty face in Galadriel's water pool thing.  
  
5, January, some year  
  
Shot a couple of Orcs today who strayed into Greenwood. Stupid Orcs. You'd think all those Elvish trees would scare them off. But noooooo. I think I shall suggest to Father that we put up "deadly Elves, enter at own risk" signs at entrance to Greenwood. Father might not believe me to be so deadly anymore because I was 0.00012 cm away from the target's exact middle yesterday. Damn hangover.  
  
Partied last night. Yes I know, I shall show a bad example to the young mortal minds that might read this, but I'm the Prince of Greenwood damnit, and I say the hell with those stupid corruptible mortal minds.  
  
Random Annoying Elvish fact: Big ass spiders and Orcs make a bad mix in Greenwood. Father had to rename Greenwood to the ugly yet (word I forget) Mirkwood. Hmm…Prince of Mirkwood… Prince of Greenwood… Green… Mirk… Green… Mirk… Mirk… hmm… kinda catchy ain't it? Must congratulate Father on great name change. Very Elvish.  
  
Ok, that's it… this blasted hangover is annoying the shit out of me. I must commence in great Elvish therapy before my pretty head explodes.  
  
10, January, some year  
  
I've desided that… today is not a day for wasting time writing.  
  
18, January, some year  
  
I think I might like myself too much, I stared at myself in the mirror for 8 hours straight… I'm so pretty.  
  
3, March, some year  
  
Father…ugh. I can't understand him. He's taken ill, Elves don't get sick! He brings shame to our species. I must take his place at the Council Of The Elves. We are to discuss something about something. Probably another darklord trying to take over Middle Earth. There's too many of those bastards these days. I should unlease the fury of the Elves on them all. Bows unite!  
  
There are supposed to be Dwarves at the council. Damn midgets. Too short to do anything but short creature… things. Stupid Dwarves. Who invented them anyways… I mean COME ON! 


	2. An Elf On a Journey

20, March, some year  
  
Have arrived at Rivendell. There seems to be 4 hobbits prancing about. Cute little things. Elrond seems to think he's prettier than me. Stupid Elf. He's been wearing a tiara instead of a crown, and earlier today I saw him wearing a purple dress. I think he's an exception to the "Elves can't be gay" rule.  
  
(later)Just came back from Council. It seems that I have agreed to go on a quest to destroy some ring of power Sauron once possessed. Oh yes I remember the legend. Stupid corruptible mortal minds. Elves are SO much better than men, I mean think of the facts… when was the last time you saw an Elf refuse to save the world? HA! That's what I thought. Elves' minds can't get corrupted, and you know it! Ok, maybe there was that one Elf… no my bad, that was a Dwarf. Then there was this other time… nope that was a Dwarf. OH! There was ONE Elf… what's his name?! No, I'm wrong again… that was another Dwarf. I think you can guess by now that Dwarves' minds are very easily corrupted. Stupid Dwarves. When will they learn that evil is a BAD thing?  
  
24, March, some year  
  
We're heading towards Carahadas or however you spell it. That big snowwy mountain thing. I can't wait! I'll get to show off my ability to walk ON TOP of snow to Aragorn. God he's hot. Oh shit! Did I just say what I think I just said? No, I didn't… just my imagination. Damnit I am NOT gay!!!!!!!! Everyone in the fellowship seems to like Frodo as more than a friend. Poor little hobbit. Now he must deal with an evil ring AND a bunch of gay fellowship members. Stupid fellowship members… don't they know that Frodo is TOTALLY Sam's? I mean how stupid do you have to be to not see the "vibes" between those two? DUH! They are SO a couple.  
  
30, March, some year  
  
Today was SO not a cool day. I went hunting for food earlier today, and kept missing my targets. I was so fucking pissed off! When I looked down I realized I was holding my bow upside down. Must convince bow company to write "this side up" on all future lines of Elf bows. In more interesting news: I discovered a working television in the river today. Quite a coincidence really, considering that televisions don't exist in Middle Earth. Also something I am wondering about… how the hell do I know what it's called?  
  
3, April, some year  
  
Aragorn becoming extremely smelly. He hasn't showered since we left Rivendell… actually … he hasn't quite showered or bathed at all since about 2 years ago. His stench almost threw off my wonderful aim at a passing Orc earlier today. Stupid Man. Am SO glad Elves have the god given instincts to bath daily at least once. Boromir attempted to steal the tacky ring Frodo has to carry to Mordor. I don't think he gets it. If we're on a mission to DESTROY the ring, why would he want to keep it for himself to do good in Gondor? Yet another stupid mortal mind. You don't go on missions to destroy things that do good, DUH! You go on missions to destroy things that are evil and shall never do good to the Elves that live in Mirkwood. Things that don't help Elves are stupid and pointless, oh and must be destroyed in the pits of Mount Doom. EVERYONE knows THAT. 


	3. Monkey Business

April 10, after the last entry  
  
Oh God! Aragorn is so damn smelly now. I think he's trying for a rugged manly look. Seems to think it'll make him look good. Stupid mortal. I, Lego, am one of very good looks. I know stuff about beauty matters. I'm great with makeovers too. This one time, at Elf camp, I turned an ugly self conscious mortal pheasant into a semi-pretty girl. The man I made over wasn't too happy with the results. Gave his wife a heart attack when he came home. Sadly she died from shock. He threatened to hurt me with his manly skills. I shot him with an arrow. Needless to say, he didn't bother me after that. Shocking to think Aragorn actually believes he's prettier than me. I am SO the prettiest.  
  
April 20, after the last entry We have set off for Carahadas. Mountain looking very large from where I'm standing. That's only because of my super cool Elf vision. To the stupid mortal eye the mountain looks tiny. Elf vision is such a wonderful thing. Wonder what wanderers I can see around us. Dum De Dum. Oh there's two monkeys over to our left. They're in a tree, possibly in Mirkwood. The second monkey seems to be moving. OMG!!! I.no more looking for wanderers. Can't those creatures get a damn room. My Elfhood is scarred . Permanently scarred. Icky. I think I'll go shoot some stuff to clear my pretty mind of those monkey. images.  
  
April 24, after the last entry We're nearing Carahadas. The mortals can see it more clearly at this point. I've been seeing Aragorn hitting on Frodo in a VERY obvious way. Frodo doesn't seem to notice. Heard him talking in his sleep the other night. Something about nobody loving him. QUITE the contrary.  
  
May 15, after the last entry We are now on Carahadas. So much fun to watch rest of fellowship struggle walking through the snow. Hehe. Being an Elf has SO many perks. Walking on snow brings much joy. specially when I get to watch fellowship suffer. Hehehe. I'm SO evil. But in a GOOD way. Did I mention I'm still the prettiest?  
  
May 16, after the last entry Ugh Am very dissapointed. Had to turn back today. Stupid mortals can't walk on snow. They should find a way to turn into Elves. Would be SO convenient. Of course I'd STILL be the prettiest. NOTHING will EVER change THAT.  
  
May 20, after the last entry Can't sleep. Everyone talking in sleep. Keep hearing funny noises coming from where Boromir and Pippin are sleeping. Don't really believe they're sleeping. Gandalf talking about baths. Sam talking about Frodo. Frodo talking about fish. Aragorn. also talking about Frodo. What's so appealing about this short midgety creature anyway? He IS kinda cute, in an ugly, hairy toed, midgety sort of way. 


	4. Enjolras!

May 21, after the last entry  
  
Found pretty rock. Decided to keep and name it Phillip. Rest of fellowship think Phillip is very wrong name, as rock is a girl. They just don't understand. Stupid fellowship. I'm an elf damnit. I'm super smart, super pretty, and I super fucking KNOW what I'm doing.  
June 23, after last entry  
  
It seems to be that we're going to be passing through the Mines of Moria. It was Frodo's decision. Damn Gandalf. He lets that hobbit walk all over him. Making decisions the wiser fellowship members should be making. Like the Elves. Oh! What do ya know... I, Legolas, am the only Elf in this company. Guess that would make *me* in charge. Being an Elf has such great perks, even if they only exist to the more intelligent beings. In this case, because all the members in THIS fellowship are stupid idiots, the only perks I get are showing off my superiorities to everyone and making them feel stupid and stuff. NOT so bad. I mean, on top of that... I'm STILL the prettiest.  
June 30, after last entry  
  
Well, we've arrived in the forrest of Moria, and we're pretty deep in the woods. Sam keeps talking to the pony. Has given him a name and everything. He's been having long one sided conversations with "Bill". Almost feel sorry for the poor hobbit. Once we get to the entrance of the mines Bill's gotta go. Got a glimpse of my reflection in a small steam. Realised there was a slight tangle in my hair. Damn the outdoors! Can't we stop and have a propper bath?!Bloody hell I hate this "nature" thing!  
July 1, after last entry  
  
I HATE YOU FRODO... I HATE YOU MERRY... I HATE YOU!!!!  
  
***And this is where the work of a guest writer shall be inserted*** ***Sahra...you may proceed***  
  
grrrr....that was my EVIL ELF GROWL (trademark 543 second age, Legolas Greenleaf). I truly, utterly, COMPLETELY DESPISE, LOATHE, AND WISH DEATH UPON ALL HOBBITS!!!!!! Well....maybe not Sam...he's kind of sexy in a way...NO! must..not....think...ARRRGH!!!! It's becoming obvious that I've had too much time AWAY from sex, women, etc, and also too much time this close to males just as horny as I am. I could have sworn I heard Boromir and Gandalf at it last night....old people sex. Ugh. Just ugh. I mean, if you're gonna be 2931 years old, you might as well look 25. Like...me, for example. Ahem. I definatly am gorgeous. I want to rape myself. And the girl following me. well..stalking me is more like it...but thats okay because i feel an unexplainable (i have reached my big word quote for today) desire to preform sexual intercourse with her. Her name is Sahra. WOOHOO!! ahem. Must keep a mysterious aura about me, or they'll all think I'm shagging Gimli.  
  
July 3, after last entry Alright, so we're in the mines. Big, dark, scary m.AHHH!!! Oh, it was just Boromir and Pippin at it again. I swear, that man has gotten more sex on this journey than I have in my whole long lived elf life. And, considering I'm one sexy mamma, that's a lot of sex to beat. A strange thing has happened. This girl. The one who's stalking me, Sahra, she's told me a new word. In my sleep probably. ENJOLRAS! I can't really pronounce it. But really. come on. ENJOLRAS! It's just a WORD, and such a pretty word. ENJOLRAS! ENJOLRAS! ENJOLRAS! Er. no, I'm not obsessed. I don't even know the MEANING of the word obsessed. What's it mean? ooooooh.. Shinnnnyyy..  
  
July 4, after last entry I miss my pretty face!! It's been a full week since I last saw my reflection. Damnit, I KNOW I'm the prettiest. But, geez, an elf can get insecure when in a dark scary mine, without any means of checking one's self out. Actually, possessing the beauty I possess, I don't need a reflection to know how pretty I am.I just miss the pretty face in the mirror. If only I could see you once again my love! . Oh my GOD!!!!!!! That stupid little THING!! YES!!! I AM referring to that Pippin creature! UGH! I, Legolas, prettiest being in all of Middle Earth, along with the OTHER less important fellowship members, have to fight this stupid large group thing of Goblins! UGH! I understand a nice little slaughtering of those THINGS, but HEY, I like to work up a little sweat before fighting the worthless beings of our world. And, there's just no time to achieve my rugged elfly look. So now, all cuz of Pippin, I must fight in pretty mode. . Ok, I've killed the god damned Goblins. . HOLY SHIT!! THEY HAVE A CAVE TROLL!! Oh well, I can take him!! I'm an Elf! ENJOLRAS!!!! . Shot arrow up nose. Hee hee hee. Killed Troll. Hee hee. I'm so pretty  
  
July 5, after last entry K, that old guy's fallen into.uh.what's the word? Flowers? Yes that sounds right. Flowers.No? Maybe it's darkness then. But, it just sounds so. dark. Flowers are a lot more happy. K, so I'm just going to substitute flowers for darkness. It sounds so much better though. Dontchya think? No? Well, who cares what you think?! You're just a piece of paper in this stupid book full of more paper! UGH! You know what? I'm just SO not in the mood for your stupid. JOURNALNESS. Geez, get a life. I'm going to go do my happy-lets-get-naked-dance.  
  
July 6, after last entry OH MY GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE!! YOU'RE SO ANNOYING!!!! 


	5. Viva Le Revolution

July 15, after last entry Alright, FINE I forgive you for your wronglyness. But let me tell you, this isn't how it's always gonna be. When I'm mad, I STAY mad. I just took it easy on you cuz you're new. And OH MY GOD! You won't BELIEVE what happened! You know that mysterious sexy stalker girl, Sahra. well she's been very careless, dropping all these tid bits here and there. NO, she's not doing it on purpose just so I'll find out more about her and be led into her trap of stalkerness. Don't even THINK that. Geez, I'm not afraid to get mad at you again! Anyway, the mysterious sexy one, apparently she's also an Elf! Her name is really Samri. Turns out, she's also not really a stalker! She just happens to know every little detail about my life, and is traveling on the same exact deadly path to Mordor as me! What a coincidence!  
  
July 17, after last entry Ohhhh. I have one word to kick off this entry! ENJOLRAS!!!! Heh. never get tired of that do I. The pretty one is victorious! EWWWWW!! NO, NOT FRODO!! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR BLOODY MIND!?!? Duh! I was referring to myself. Thank you and GOODBYE! . No really though! I've discovered the meaning of my favorite word ever! NO, not Legolas. although that is one of the best words ever, ENJOLRAS!! First I found a book conveniently placed under my bed called, "English for complete morons," I read that. and then I found ANOTHER book. LES MISERABLES!! Something about the French, and Revolution! Enjolras is the guy who starts it all!! I am like, so gonna start my own revolution someday! Yea!!  
  
July 20, after last entry Le GRRRR!!(evil elf growl is now FRENCH!) I've decided to start a revolution! Oh wait. you need a reason? Hmm. ok.  
  
July 21, after last entry Alright! I've got it! My revolution is against everyone who doesn't think I'm the prettiest! Yes Yes, that's it!! I am one brilliant Elf! Now I must attempt to dye my hair brown! Yay revolution!!  
  
. Dying hair didn't work. maybe I'll just put it up! Yea. COMPROMISE!  
  
. Putting hair up didn't work. Well. it did, but the Fellowship laughed at me. Can not stand lesser beings who aren't pretty enough making fun of me. Will not put hair up anymore. . ALRIGHT, I've put together my army of squirrels, butterflies, and assorted chipmunks. We're ready to fight! Gimli's the first to go. That beard is SO tacky.  
  
. DAMN that Dwarf! I tried cutting his damn beard off and I nearly broke my bloody sword. Of course, it's really Aragorn's, but he won't miss it. That beard is hard as a bloody rock! He should really bath more often. But. then again, Aragorn only baths once a year, as opposed to Gimli's once every two months. So, I guess it's better than nothing. Damn, why can't everyone be an elf? We're just so much better!  
  
July 25, after last entry Have decided to quit the Revolution business. I still idolize ENJOLRAS and all, but being a pretty fellow like myself, I don't think I would benefit from such work. And anyway, who would get to admire my pretty face if I was making revolutions all the time!?  
  
July 26, after last entry Fell in mud puddle, Boromir said I looked really sexy when I got dirty. Damn, am I the only non-gay fellowship member in this fellowship? Ah well. I'm still the goddamn prettiest. WooWooo! 


	6. Frodo The Slut

July 30, after last entry  
Ooh! We're on our way to Lothlorien. Hehe. I get to be around the more intelligent beings of Middle Earth once again! We Mirkwood Elves are better though. I mean, come on. they gots me! No civilization(big word of the day) is complete without the one prettiest Elf, i.e. Me!  
  
August 3, after last entry  
K, so we've arrived in Lothlorien. Galadriel's been hitting on Frodo. Pervy Hobbit Fancier. Doesn't she know interspecies relationships don't ever work out? Look at Aragorn and what's her face. They might have some hot animal sex every night, but Hello! She's immortal, he's just a silly silly man. And anyway, EWW! Come on, it's ARAGORN! SO not fit for an Elf, even Arwen, the daughter of I-wanna-wear-purple-dresses-and-tiaras, Elrond. There's also the fact that Aragorn is so cheating on her with Frodo. Frodo's such a slut. He's dating Sam, and having affaires with everyone else in the fellowship, meanwhile being completely clueless about his relationship statuses. Poor Hobbit. He doesn't even know he's gay yet. It's sad really.  
I think it's about that time. What time you ask? The time where Sahra rapes me of course. What Else would I be waiting excitedly for? 


End file.
